You'll never dive alone

By Bernard Thompson

Published in the irish Times new media edition

A-a-ah, the little soul! There he was in his bestest footy gear, ready to watch his favourite team in their first ever Champions League match. He looked just like an athletic pixie. All excited he was. But his disappointment was heartbreaking when a dodgy penalty spoiled it. He stamped his feet and clenched his little fists but it was no good. Celtic had lost. Yes, it was a tough week for Martin O'Neill.

What a rotter that Nicola Amoruso was! He Fosberry flopped to get Juventus the three points. He cheated, Ref, he cheated! He's admitted as much himself. Chris Sutton has never done anything like that. His penalty collapse was clearly just.

Celtic players never cheat or play dirty - no, no, no. Celtic players know nothing of gymnastic floor exercises. Celtic players are hard but fair like "rugged" Neil Lennon and "clumsy tackler", Alan Thompson, who have tattooed players all over Scotland, with their stud marks. They're just professional and Calimero was right: "eet's an eenjustees eet ees".

In truth, moans aside, Celtic did perform outstandingly well in Turin and the League form continued to hold up with a 2-0 win over Aberdeen. Now, though, they start from scratch against Porto. O'Neill's animated protests in Turin earned him a one-match touchline ban, to be served on Tuesday. Barring him from the dressing room, though, makes sense only in the minds of UEFA officials. I pray never to understand such logic. Celtic's away showings in Turin and Amsterdam suggest that a draw would not be disastrous but defeat would make their prospects look pretty gloomy.

At Ibrox, on the other hand, there are unconfirmed sightings of smiles. They caned Dundee Utd, 6-1, on Saturday and looked almost stylish in doing so. UEFA have just about seen sense and moved the tie with Anzhi Makhachkala, to a neutral venue, (albeit in a single-leg match) and if they get through the next week unbeaten, things might finally take a turn for the better.

Playing in midfield, rather than defence, Bert Konterman looks like a football player rather than a comedian. Fernando Ricksen has yet to have an emotional incident, this season. And the unfairly criticised Tore Andre Flo will have taken more confidence from his three goals at the weekend. All this with Barry Ferguson's return and the presence of Craig Moore gives Rangers a real chance of taking something from the first Old Firm game on Sunday.

As for our other European representatives, Hibs indulged in second-half panic against an AEK Athens side that they were coming to grips with to make my backing of them look rather silly. Unabashed, and a frustrated Russian Roulette player, I am still going to stake everything on them somehow overcoming AEK, who have better players. Kilmarnock's 1-1 home draw with Viking Stavangar doesn't make them look like great bets to go through, either, but I will also stick with them to overcome. My motivation in this is to delay admitting that I was wrong until I have thought of a decent excuse for my poor judgement.

Even these disappointments pale next to the fate of Billy Davies. The first Scottish manager of the season to be mutually consented can curse his bad luck. Respected by his peers and admired by his subordinates, he had produced decent results before the wholesale selling of his squad. His team were also fitting standard-bearers for the town of Motherwell: dull, depressing and often absolutely filthy. On the bright side, it is claimed that Marius Lacatus and Walter Zenga are among 40 serious candidates to have expressed an interest the job. Others include Harvey, Sasquatch and Howling Jake from my local boozer.

Finally, sincere thanks to those big lumps in the international rugby scene. I had considered panning Martin O'Neill for losing his head in Turin but nothing makes me appreciate association football as well as rugby union's contemptible game. My upper lip is snarled, not stiff. I want to hear songs slandering referees, not "Bye Bye Blackbird". And in my book, tunnels are for pushing and shoving opponents - not applauding them.

For all the current whines about cheating, it is in football that players can say, "I took a dive - get over it." It is in the game of soccer that managers blow fuses while apoplectic fans vent spleen at the pitch or throw tellies out of windows. There is a passion, a spontaneity and, damn it, an honesty that the jolly good show of 15-man rugby will never elicit. So keep chopping them down, Neil. Splutter your words of anger, Martin. And you Chris, as long as you play for Celtic, dive on. And you'll never dive alone.

Would the Old Firm just sod aff?

By Bernard Thompson

Published in the Irish Times new media edition

Hurrah! The football’s back and Scotland is echoing to the sound of sated men burping in contentment. We have had the first European action already and, if that fact was an indictment on recent performances, it still allows us to boast that our teams can handle anything that Slovenia can throw at us. Happy days.

But these times are happier for some than for others. Dermot Desmond’s assertion that the Old Firm will inevitably move to the Premiership has sparked the usual mixture of salivation and spluttering anger. For once, Celtic seem to be leading while Rangers officials are nodding in agreement.

David Murray, who has always insisted that Rangers are fully committed to Scotland, is now "coming round to the idea". According to Murray, he is starting to suspect that the rest of Scotland’s clubs would be better off without the Old Firm.

That suggestion is nonsense, of course. Rangers and Celtic have always propped up the smaller Scottish clubs and Murray was being more realistic when he predicted that eight to ten of them could go bust, even with the help of the big two. However, there is much talking to be done, although Celtic’s chairman, Brian Quinn, insists that everyone, to whom he has spoken, views the idea favourably.

One factor that must be overcome is the barring, from UEFA competitions, of any club that does not play in its own country’s primary league. It has emerged that the Welsh clubs, Swansea City, Cardiff City and Wrexham are currently banned because they play in England. Presumably, this would also apply to the proposed Atlantic League, which is still being discussed.

On the field, the start to the season was unusually good with at least three goals scored in every match. Dick Advocaat is already planning for the contest with Fenerbahce, after Rangers' 3-0 away win over NK Maribor.

The Gers also beat Aberdeen by the same score, at Pittodrie, in a match that, for once, failed to explode into a blood-letting. The Rangers goals came from each of their new signings, Christian Nerlinger, Russell Latapy and Claudio Caniggia and there is room for hope at Ibrox. If they can steer clear of unrest or misfortune, for a few weeks, they look certain to challenge very strongly for the title, this year.

Celtic’s own 3-0 win, over St Johnstone, was unspectacular but efficient. The result was less talked about than the speculation about whether the club or certain players would be moving. Stephane Mahe seems to be bound for Hearts as may be either Jonathan Gould or Stewart Kerr. The latter two are redundant at Celtic and Hearts, who are set to sell Anti Niemi, need a replacement urgently.

But who is coming in? Matt Elliott is touted as a stick-on certainty to sign this week while O’Neill’s admiration for the Battler of Wounded Knee, John Hartson, endures. Unfortunately, with a Champions League transfer deadline looming, Coventry seem to be trying to turn the screw by demanding "seven million of your Scottish pounds". Also mooted are moves for Fiorentina’s Moreno Torricelli and Tomas Repka as well as Magnus Hedman.

Now, all of this Old Firm stuff is pretty much par for the course in the Scottish Premier League. However, it would be remiss to fail to highlight two far rarer events. Firstly, Livingston played their first ever top division game and won it, beating Hearts by two goals to one. Livingston look like providing a model for success with a small club, much of it based on stadium development, and they have a real chance of sustaining SPL status.

But the first leaders of the SPL are Dunfermline. The Pars, who are managed by the talented Jimmy Calderwood, beat probable relegation candidates, Motherwell, by five goals to two. It will probably be the only time, this season, that neither Celtic nor Rangers are top dogs so the fans in the Kingdom of Fife are entitled to live royally for a few days. However, I wonder if this brief success might prompt greater hedonistic dreams: "We could be Scottish Champions if the Old Firm would just sod aff!"

Oh, to be Irish in Paradise

By Bernard Thompson

Published in the Irish Times new media edition

 When Celtic lifted the Scottish Cup, to secure the domestic treble, a huge step was taken towards the restoration of the club's reputation. In these days of football clubs being described in terms of their brand identity, Celtic's association with failure and defeat was damaging to more than the morale of the supporters.

For that, Martin O'Neill will have the eternal gratitude of the marketing executives who attempt to promote Celtic worldwide. However, an even more profound change took place over the last twelve months and that was the resurrection of a sense of Irishness at Celtic Park.

It is no secret that the Irish in Britain were not always exactly welcomed. It is unsurprising, then, that the Irish in Glasgow and beyond should cling to a club that was founded to assist the poorest of their number. For generations, Scots-born Protestants, like Jock Stein, seemed comfortable with the profile of a club that was open to all but proud of its links across the Irish Sea.

That began to change in the Fergus McCann era. With the "Bhoys Against Bigotry" campaign, McCann made genuine, well-intentioned efforts to distance Celtic from sectarianism but, at times, the political correctness seemed to resemble a symbolic cleansing of Celtic's image. In a country in which singing The Soldier's Song is regarded as bigoted behaviour, there was a suspicion that Celtic were trying to eradicate all mention of Ireland.

But McCann's departure enabled the first of three extremely influential Irishmen to come to prominence. Dermot Desmond became the club's major shareholder and the most powerful man at Celtic. In terms of popular perception, little changed. Desmond always suffered by false comparisons with David Murray at Rangers. The Scottish press have tended to expect Desmond to match the spending - and high-risk strategy - of Murray, despite sound legal and structural impediments on his doing so.

Still, it is easier to convey, to the general public, the simpler message: "If Rangers can do it, why can't we?" With Desmond's reluctance to embark on any personal PR campaigns, there was little fresh enthusiasm for Ireland amongst the support, a substantial part of which complied with the "denial of roots" culture.

That has changed since the appointment of Martin O'Neill. No breast-thumping patriot, O'Neill is an unlikely leader of a reawakening of ethnic consciousness. Nevertheless, he is unafraid to be seen for who and what he is. In many ways, his expression of Irishness that is neither apologetic nor ostentatious is precisely what Celtic should have been aspiring to in the reinvention of the club.

There is also more to his importance in this matter than his success. The quiet, dignified but strong personality that O'Neill transmits to the supporters contributes to making him the first manager since Billy McNeill, to fulfil the role of icon, which Celtic fans crave.

Part of O'Neill's success has been his ability to appear to be a father-figure to the entire Celtic community. In that atmosphere, it is unthinkable that the Irishness of Celtic could be undermined.

The next link in the chain came with the purchase of Neil Lennon. There are Celtic players who are more talented than Lennon but few who are more effective and he has no peers in terms of commitment. The fact that he rejected a higher salary to articulate his passion for Celtic began a process of endearment that could see Lennon accede to legendary status.

The taunts and threats that the move brought on him only strengthened a level of support that was already bordering on hero-worship. If ever a player looked to be a likely captain of any club, it is Neil Lennon with Celtic.

But could he yet have one more rival? Roy Keane's avowed desire to play for Celtic presents another intriguing prospect. There is a (perhaps misplaced) general presumption that Keane's undoubted ability equates to Martin O'Neill's desire to sign him. But, if Keane should become a Celtic player, while still at his peak, the level of Celtic hysteria might threaten to overwhelm even the captain of Ireland.

Let there be no doubt that Celtic is a Scottish club. At the same time, there are lessons to be learned from a recent academic study, which compared the experiences of Irish Scots with those of American blacks. It also found that anti-Irish hostility engendered a hesitancy in acknowledging Irish heritage. Perhaps, then, people at Celtic could be forgiven for paraphrasing James Brown: "Say it loud - Irish and proud."

Trials and travails of the Tartan Army

 By Bernard Thompson

Published in the Irish Times new media edition

"I wonder my blood, will you ever return? To help us kick the life back, to a dying mutual friend. Do we not love her? Do we not say we love her? Do we have to roam the world to prove how much it hurts?"

Letter from America, the maligned lament for Scottish exiles, could be the anthem for the Tartan Army. This time, the bobbling masses in kilts and grouse-feathers had only to roam to Hampden Park to prove how much it hurts to follow Scotland but the pain was just the same.

It has often been said that for a Scotsman to claim to be a balanced individual he must first have a chip on both shoulders. According to popular wisdom, we always feel hard done by and an inferiority complex is a national trait. Too right, it is! Why? For that you must address the men in the only uniform that has lower standing than denim with arrows printed on it - navy blue shirt, white shorts and red socks.

These custodians of our dreams test themselves in the only true measure of relative international worth. Forget economic greatness or scientific achievement and don't talk to me about gutsy Jocks walking through minefields during times of war. Soccer is all that matters to your average family member of "Jock Tamson's Bairns" and that doesn't breed a lot of cockiness in the Hampden horde. As a football team, the Scottish national side is close to useless.

Saturday's match with Belgium saw yet another chapter written in the slapstick history of soccer absurdity. Notoriously poor in attack, the Scots were a goal up after a minute. Billy Dodds slotted the ball in beautifully after a move that, had it been produced by Brazil, would have been described as not bad.

It was all going swimmingly well. The truly desperate Hampden turf was thwarting the Belgians' passing game quite nicely. The Scots scoffed that the Navy Blues don't need the grass to exploit the "aerial power" of Colin Hendry et al. Good old Colin won his 50th cap in a rude comment on the depth of available talent.

Then came a sublime moment. What physiological phenomena explain the reflexes of the human body? Why does one person react to a stimulus one way when another demonstrates an opposite reaction? Who cares? Eric Dayflarndra's wretched instincts caused his hands to come together in front of him preventing the ball from bouncing off his chest. Penalty, red card, Dodds scores, slam-bam thank-you ma'am. Look out my sushi mat, mum, I'm off to Tokyo.

Then came the awful realisation. Scotland were in the feared commanding position. Still, it was not until Barry Ferguson was through on goal that the dastardly power of the honey trap was fully shown. There we were buzzing to 3-0 when Ferguson outdid Gordon Smith in his famous FA Cup Final miss for Brighton. Very soon our once-soaring wings were stickied until we were welded to the side of the jar waiting for sweet death.

Marc Wilmots's goal was the first to reveal another of those days was in the offing. Following him was van Buyton, whose equaliser could only have come in the last minute of injury time.

With trademark grimace, I made my way to a nearby bar where I hoped to find solace but even that was denied me. A one-eyed Belgian making the improbable claim that he had played a lot of football (about eight stones ago) chose me as a receptacle for his profusely expelled glee.

"I'm not being rude but Belgium are a lot better than Scotland," he said, and I could hardly argue. Some 60 minutes later, he temporarily excused himself with a parting shot: "Klos, Van Bronckhurst, Larsson and Valgaeren - your league's only good goalkeeper is German, the best midfielder is Dutch, the top striker is Swedish and you know where your best defender comes from. Ha, ha, ha - he's Belgian."

I did not see my Belgian friend again until, at closing time, I witnessed a barman kicking in the cubicle door in the lavatory only to reveal my erstwhile companion who had been slumbering with his trousers at his ankles. To a background of words in a foreign tongue, I left. Partial onlookers dispute the reason for my ungainly walk but I maintain that it was nothing other than the smug swagger of moral victory.

Roll on Wednesday night. San Marino, bring on your finest!

More predictable than Davie White

By Bernard Thompson

 Published in The Irish Times New Media edition

Tartan Special

At last, the season is hotting up. The biggest week so far in the Scottish season lies ahead with the keenly anticipated Old Firm double header.

On Wednesday, the national stadium (aka the third-best ground in Glasgow) hosts the semi-final of the CIS Cup while Celtic Park is the venue for Sunday's crucial league match. Fans on both sides are indulging in hedonistic dreams of crushing the enemy, like a boot heel on an upturned beetle, twice in five days.

There is also the matter of the other CIS semi-final between St Mirren and Kilmarnock. My infallible Old Firm predictions will come at the end of this week's round-up.

If hostility will consume Glasgow in the latter part of this week, old-fashioned enmity was the order of the evening on Wednesday, when Aberdeen assailed Ibrox.

Two red cards maintained an acceptable aggro count for the preservers of anger. That was par for the course but the rejuvenated Tugay Kerimoglu, who scored the game's only goal for Rangers, further fanned the flames with public accusations of vile abuse.

Unbeknown to most, Tugay's mother died three months ago and he alleged that an unseen Dons player directed an obscene taunt relating to the matter. Equally offended are the Aberdeen players, who made convincing claims of ignorance of his bereavement.

Still, it sets things up for another bloodletting when the two sides next meet.

Indeed, Tugay has suddenly been launched to prominence, thanks to Rangers' injuries. He scored a scorcher against Dunfermline, with Michael Mols adding another. The match was Scotland's first pay-per-view encounter and the debate over whether such TV deals will kill or cure the Scottish game rages on.

Opponents of the scheme claimed divine intervention when thick fog in Perthshire caused Celtic's match with St Johnstone to be postponed minutes before the scheduled kick-off. That game was to have pioneered the television experiment but the plain grey screens made for a disappointing spectacle.

The postponement of the match also meant that Stillian Petrov could not serve his full suspension before the Old Firm league match.

Normal service for Celtic was resumed with a 3-0 win over Hearts at Tynecastle yesterday. The game itself was typical of Celtic's season in that Henrik Larsson supplied all of the goals yet again. The victory was not without cost, however, as Joos Valgaeren was stretchered off with a serious ankle injury.

Better news for Martin O'Neill came with Eyal Berkovic's decision to consider a loan move to Blackburn Rovers. With the imminent departure of Berkovic and the releasing of Daniel Prodan by Rangers, the musty scent of dead wood is gradually being lifted from Glasgow.

Possibly the worst signing in the history of Scottish football, Prodan failed to kick a ball for Rangers since arriving for £2.2 million sterling in 1998.

At Hibernian, much jollity accompanied Alex McLeish's decision to extend his contract until 2003. McLeish's success with Hibs has made him hot property and he had been linked with a clutch of major jobs in the past few months.

His sanity was openly questioned in 1998, when he left Motherwell for a Hibs side that was certain to be relegated. However, his reinvention of the Edinburgh club makes his the best managerial performance of the season so far. The securing of McLeish has also persuaded the iconic Franck Sauzee to extend his stay at Easter Road, where he believes that he may be manager some day.

Away from domestic football, there was excitement at the prospect of Scotland being a potential host of the World Club Championships. FIFA General Secretary Michel Zen-Ruffinen believes that the country would be ideal because of its small number of quality grounds and undisputed passion for the game.

Certainly, the enthusiasm for the tournament would outstrip that of the Brazilian debacle in which the locals refused to attend matches that did not involve their clubs. On the other hand, the teams from the host nation would probably not be regarded as the hottest favourites to make the final.

But now, to save you watching, I can tell you of the outcome of the two Old Firm clashes. I believe that the neutral venue will favour Rangers in the semi-final of the CIS Cup and that they will beat Celtic to provide the first real test for Martin O'Neill.

In the League match, I have become less convinced that Celtic will win but I stand by my conviction, chiefly because of home advantage. Even with the possible return of Giovanni Van Bronckhurst to Rangers and the probable loss of Celtic's Joos Valgaeren, I will take Celtic to deal the death blow to Rangers' championship challenge with a narrow victory in an angry game.

In doing so, I should offer one small caveat - in the form of a Scottish football fable. For part of Jock Stein's time as manager of Celtic, his counterpart at Rangers was Davie White. On the eve of a clash between the sides, both managers were asked for a prediction.

The first to speak was White, who tipped his side to secure a two-goal victory. Undaunted, Stein refused to speculate, warning that "only an idiot would ever try to predict the outcome of an Old Firm game."

If that is the case, in pre-empting two of them, I must be at least twice as clever as Davie White... I think.

On hold for the bleak midwinter

 By Bernard Thompson

Tartan Special

Published in the Irish Times new media edition

At this happy time of year, all of the things that the Scots are famous for come together. Kilts, shortbread, whisky without an "e" and getting screaming drunk find harmony in the traditional festivities. Scotland is the only nation on earth that has a New Year, apparently, and everyone goes out on "Hogmanay" just waiting for the accordion thrill that signals the time to salivate on the cheeks of complete strangers. Then they play football.

Sadly, the collective headache of a people has put an end to the New Year's Day fixture list but the appetite is merely stronger on the following day. However, no team has rejoiced in the changing of the calendar more than Dundee United. Only days ago, all connected with the club were seething loudly at the unsportsmanlike behaviour of Hibernian players.

Apparently, some Hibees thought that the injury that felled Jim Lauchlan, as the game wound up, was a little too convenient. With the match at 0-0, there were suggestions that Lauchlan had nothing that could not be cured by hearing the final whistle. So, rather than return the ball to a United player, it was sent upfield where a corner and then a penalty ensued.

The result was a last gasp winner for Hibs to leave angry Dundonians asking where the referee found the extra three minutes of play. All this is very frustrating of course, unless you happen to be a neutral  - when it is little short of hilarious. Not so funny was the reaction of United's goalkeeper Alan Combe, who is alleged to have attempted to headbutt the fourth official.

Still, you can now dust off your "auspicious sign" clichés, for the first match of 2001 brought unheard of joy to Tannadice. Their distress against Hibernian was forgotten about with a home win over Motherwell. It took Utd nearly ten months to win at their own ground in 2000 so there is at least some room for optimism in the City of Discovery.

It was a less happy start for Kilmarnock. With his famed eloquence, their manager Bobby Williamson, described his team's 6-0 defeat against Celtic as "the worst experience I've experienced" in football. From Killie, it was as shoddy an exhibition as has been seen since Paul McCartney displayed his paintings and when Williamson heaved Ally McCoist on at 5-0, the merciless home crowd's day was complete.

Larsson scored four as he continues to search for his best form. Sutton scored another couple to make the Celts' fans feel like world-beaters. That they are not but Scot-thumpers they most certainly are.

As far as the Celts go, though, the big story of the week has been the undignified exit of Allan MacDonald. MacDonald was supposed to be Celtic's answer to David Murray. There were, though, a few differences.

For instance, Murray owns most of Rangers whereas MacDonald was merely a boardroom figurehead. However, MacDonald left with generous parting shots at almost all of the people who supported him throughout his period of tenure.

He claimed that Celtic had already planned to sell Henrik Larsson, before his arrival, and that only MacDonald's intervention secured the future of the superstar who notched his 100th goal for the club on Tuesday. This has angered the shakers and movers at Celtic, not least Dermot Desmond who is singled out for special criticism.

MacDonald also claimed that Desmond preferred Joe Kinnear to Martin O'Neill as the Celtic manager. However, one figure from Celtic Park (the legendary "insider") disclosed to me that the allegations relating to Henrik Larsson were hotly disputed.

He responded that "Joe Kinnear was much closer to getting the Celtic job than even he probably realises" but that "Desmond was never against O'Neill". In relation to Henrik Larsson, he went on, "as far as the board were concerned, it was Allan who seemed to think that selling Henrik was a good idea because it would bolster the accounts from the start. The board felt compelled to back him in anything he did as he was a new appointment, but they also supported him when he was persuaded that the fans would not tolerate selling Henrik."

He went on that Desmond and the board view MacDonald's recent comments as "a betrayal as they feel that they supported Allan to the final full stop." If that is so, they have moved swiftly to deliver a "Not welcome" message to the former Chief Executive. "The word went out that Allan is effectively persona non grata at Celtic Park."

"They know that they can't really bar him but they want to make him aware that he is unwelcome." To that end, "MacDonald's Executive Club status is now void" and even his entry to the car park at the ground was to be "subject to negotiation." Of course, this is fairly standard fare when a major figure leaves Celtic.

MacDonald, for all his accusations, was a failure at Celtic and he seems to be unable to accept that as he attempts to maintain a reputation that will assure his continued success in the business world. Regardless of his jibes against Desmond, it does seem that it was the former Chief Executive who made many of the bad decisions at Celtic Park.

Now, the club even refuses to credit MacDonald with the appointment of Martin O'Neill, which they say was instigated by a "non-executive Director" which suggests that MacDonald was even less successful than his record suggests. When that record includes appointing John Barnes, you have a fair bit of explaining to do.

Anyway, enough of Celtic. The other Glasgow team defeated St Mirren, partly thanks to two goals from £12m Wonder-Norse, Tore Andre Flo. The 3-1 victory came as something of a relief to Dick Advocaat but St Mirren were in no condition to give the Ibrox club any pre-winter break blues.

Yes, the action now ceases so that the players can recharge their batteries, in preparation for the final push for glory. In other words, the Scots male must now revert to accordion-playing until the footy returns. It will sound awful for a few weeks but the result at New Year is magnificent.

Scotland proving prickly for Scandinavians

By Bernard Thompson

Tartan Special

Published in the Irish Times New Media edition

In the religious calendar of Scottish football, the feast of the European adventure is a time for recrimination. Three clubs, Celtic, Rangers and Aberdeen have known the taste of champagne from continental cups. Each of these exemplified the perfect lives, in comparison to which, all modern endeavour is reduced to the level of good intentions on the road to hell.

There was a time when four teams taking on opponents from different nations would have been greeted with enthusiastic anticipation of the spectacular. These days, mindful of the fact that a Scottish casualty is traditional against the most benign of opponents, apprehension precedes the joining of battle.

Last week's probable candidates were Aberdeen, rudely coshed in their own home by a Bohemian parcel of rogues from an island at Europe's western extremity.

Their poor manager, Ebbe Skovdahl, enjoys neither luck nor luxury as he tries to fashion half a team of coalmen into diamond miners. As is customary when someone is enduring acute embarrassment, there was the inevitable application of schoolboy snot from an opposite number who has yet to know the pressure of expectation without facilitation. If, as Roddy Collins says, Skovdahl's 55 years make him too old to manage a major club, he has, at least, a maturity that is commensurate with his age.

It was a poor week for Skovdahl all round. John Jensen, guiding force of Danish Champions, Herfolge, had hoped to take advantage of Rangers' poor form and uncertain defensive combination to announce his arrival to Europe with an unlikely win. That his side lost 3-0 on their home ground, making them the only team, this season, to fail to breach that back line was the fault of Skovdahl, apparently.

With a grace befitting an infant who had dropped his ice cream on a dirty part of the pavement, Jensen wailed that the advice given to him by Skovdahl was no good. Particularly disappointing was Skovdahl's observation that the Gers' German midfielder, Jorg Albertz, invariably strikes the ball in a straight line. This was reasonable enough as "The Hammer" routinely invites defensive walls and goalkeepers to accommodate his shots, battered with such force as to verge on the malicious. Curling one into the Herfolge goal was a dirty trick indeed.

Elsewhere, Hearts showed that Iceland's middle ranking clubs hold no fears for the Scots elite by despatching IBV Vestmannaeyjar (a household name in Iceland) in a 2-0 away victory.

For good measure, the Martin O'Neill dream was preserved with a four goal trashing of those giants of Luxembourg club football, Jeunesse Esch. These are dreamy times for Celtic fans. The spark injected to the side by O'Neill (already lauded in a song to match any Norwegian Eurovision entry) has caused the fans to start digging out their optimism. Not only did the team come from a goal behind to beat Kilmarnock on Saturday but the hitherto useless Bobby Petta turned in a showing that should have earned him the man of the match award.

A less dignified performance came from his club's Chief Executive, Allan MacDonald. MacDonald's time at British Aerospace seems to have given him a grounding in the arms industry that extends to dodging bullets. The weekend papers were full of quotes from him pointing out why Celtic's troubles in his period of tenure were the fault of Kenny Dalglish, who he appointed, and Fergus McCann, who appointed him.

The comments about Dalglish were particularly lame as MacDonald fed Dalglish's enemies in the tabloid media with ammunition to continue their tiresome attacks relating to the former Director of Football's holidays.

More constructive was the announcement that both halves of the Old Firm are now moving forward with the development of a European League. Previously, David Murray had been dismissive of notions that Rangers would participate in such a venture but he is now positive about the benefits that it can bring. The plan has had many names but the most commonly used is the "Atlantic League". The new set-up would encompass teams from Scotland, Portugal, The Netherlands, Belgium and probably some Scandinavian countries.

With such success against the challengers from Iceland, Luxembourg and Denmark, it is unsurprising that the Scots should feel ready to take on the big boys - and Aberdeen may yet overcome Bohs, to show that Caledonia is mighty indeed. If they do, expect the four defenders of the football faith to be ushered to the next round with the traditional Scots toast: "Here's tae us. Wha's like us? Damned few an' their aw deid!"